A New Way To Fight

Ah, summer... So much fun in so many ways, but so much time... together.  I like to try to insist my three boys NEVER fight or bicker, but somehow, I seem to be unsuccessful in my dream of peace and quiet so far...

Don't get me wrong, my boys are buds.  For the most part, they just love having each other around.  They share a lot of the same interests and when forced to choose between playing together more civilly or separating, they always choose to stay together.

But they bicker.  They push each other's buttons.  They pester.  Today, Ben even proclaimed, "Mom, one of the things that steals my joy is when Mitchell pesters me!  And also not being able to go to the pool..."

I thought I had seen all the ways they get at each other, but this afternoon, I witnessed a new one: they fought through drawing pictures.

As I came into the kitchen, they were right in the middle of a big fight with, yes, pictures!  Ben was drawing Mitchell crashing in his spaceship, to which Mitchell responded by scribbling Ben out of his picture.  Ben retaliated by putting a dress on Mitchell, which really got Mitchell mad so he drew dog poop on Ben's head.  Ben made a club list that he pointed out did NOT have Mitchell's name on it.  Mitchell can't write very well yet, so he just wrote Ben's name and scribbled all over it.

This went on for a while until Mitchell was drawing on Ben's arm and then ended up knocked to the floor.

Ah, summer... Guess we'll go to the pool after all!

I Really Don't Have Time For This

I have a lot to get done on a school morning.  I have to get Jack up, fed, diaper changed, and dressed.  I then have to wake up two sleepy boys, help them get dressed, shoes on and tied, and bladders drained.  I then have to get them fed and make lunches, get teeth brushed, make sure Ben's homework is done and signed, then somehow find time to get out of my jammies, then get us all into jackets and backpacks and out the door in time!  

Thank goodness Jack is such an early riser.  He normally wakes up so early, that I have plenty of time to get all this accomplished without too much rush.  I actually usually enjoy our morning routine and having so many good reasons to get up and get going first thing.  Normally, things flow along smoothly as long as everyone keeps moving.

Then there are the mornings that Jack decides to throw us off by sleeping in (well, sleeping in for us is sleeping any time past 6.)  When this happens, I oversleep and suddenly, what I normally have a couple hours to do while drinking my coffee, I now have to squish into one hour (how do I drink my coffee under such pressure?)

So this morning, amidst the craziness of trying to get the proper pants on the proper boy and making sure Jack doesn't have to do drop off in a poopy diaper, Ben and Mitchell decide they want to play dinosaurs!  Ok, I'm thinking, you may be dinosaurs while you get ready.  All is fine until Mitchell decides to mess with Ben, my play-by-the-rules boy.  Mitchell decided that he will be a dinosaur, but the only detail he will give about himself is that he is a sky-diving dinosaur.  This just ticked Ben off, as he was wanting Mitchell to give his full stats: what is your species, size, color, age, and name?  Nope, not gonna tell you, Ben.  I am just a sky-diving dinosaur with no name!  Deal with it!

Well, Ben was not happy about this and continued to push Mitchell to the point that he was no longer having fun messing with Ben and they both started complaining/whining to me!  "Mom, Mitchell isn't playing right!  Dinosaurs don't sky dive and he won't tell me his name!"  "Mom, Ben won't let me be what I want to be!  I'm the boss of me!"

All this is happening while I am still in my jammies, tying shoelaces for big boys while being climbed upon by a baby boy and I just didn't have it in me to handle it with any sort of grace or creativity, so I just looked at them and said, "I really don't have time for this" and walked away.  

Sometimes I just can't be the mediator in a silly argument between two stubborn boys and maybe I do it too much already anyways.  My desire to have them never bickering is a tad unrealistic and perhaps even unhealthy.  It grates on my nerves when they do this, but if someone told me (like my husband) that I was never allowed to disagree or argue with the person closest to me whom I love the most but also bugs me the most often, I'd probably give quite a skeptical scowl, if not laugh outright!  

So this is one rule I am going to re-think.  It can't be a rule just because it bugs mom.  I am going to use the line "I don't have time for this, I know you can figure this out on your own" more often.  

PS - "From the Peanut Gallery" (This is Matt hijacking the computer because I just got home to an empty house and had this on the desktop).  I laughed out loud at this - mostly because I am glad I was in another state during this morning's drama, and partly because my wife conveyed the situation with such precision that I felt like I was there!

When Is It Ok to Fight?

Matt and I somewhat disagree on how our boys should handle disagreements and physical altercations with other kids.  Matt is pretty decided that if someone is rough with you or your brother, you get rough back.  I, as the mother (and the one who is likely there when it happens and actually has to defend my methods against the other kid and mother involved), have slightly different ideas as to how it should go down.  Actually, to be honest, I don't really have a good idea how it should be handled.  I'm still working on it.

I had better start working a bit harder on figuring out a game plan on this whole issue though.  Today, we had a bit of a fight at the park.  One of Ben's friends was upset at Ben so tried to turn Mitchell against him.  Ben, not used to Mitchell not wanting to play with him and choosing someone else over him, was beside himself.  He finally got to the point where he was physically holding Mitchell, with both arms around him, trying to keep him from following this other boy.  He just could not believe that Mitchell would pick someone else over him and leave him out.  His hurt feeling toward Mitchell over this turned to anger toward the other boy and I could see his anger brewing as he followed after the boys, telling Mitchell he was making poor decisions.  

I stepped in before things got any worse and actually left the park altogether, as I felt the boys and I needed the peace and quiet of our own  backyard, uninterrupted by any other kids or their moms to talk over what was happening.  Ben really was upset that he couldn't "win" Mitchell in this game of tug-of-war with his friend.  I reminded them both that, while they were allowed to have their own friends and didn't always have to play together, that they also were each other's best friends and they should always stick up for each other and not let any other kid come between them or make one of them upset like this.  

What would I have done if the fight had gotten more physical with the other boy - if Ben had decided he didn't want his little brother to be drug away from him and then told not to play with him anymore and started shoving or punching?  To be honest, I would have been happy to see Ben fighting for his brother in such a way and proud that he was brave enough to stand up to the other boy in this way, but also would have cringed at the sight of my little boy hitting someone.  Where does one draw the line?  What is OK to teach our little boys about standing up for oneself and one's brother?  Certainly, at some point, a little boy needs to be able to defend himself.  On the other hand, I don't encourage violence in any way.  

This incident has not helped me in any way.  I still have no game plan here.  I am still uncertain as to how to deal with the toughness training of little boys.  I am still working on it.

The good thing that came from today's skirmish is that the boys are in agreement as to how to handle this specific situation again.  They "talked it out" and decided that they will never play with another kid who is purposely trying to upset the other.  As soon as we got home, they were best friends again.  No harm done.  They had a taste of being pulled in opposite directions and didn't like it.  Oh, to be a young child again and not have any desire to form or inability to let go of a grudge.  I hope you two boys (and Jack someday too) remain able to "work things out" like this and always remain the best of friends.  Stand up for yourselves, stand up for each other, and we will figure out the specifics of what that actually means as we need to.