Third Best Friend

How many best friends can one boy have?

Well, if you are my Ben, you attract a lot of best friends.  One of his strongest abilities is his ease in making friends.  He loves everyone and it seems everyone loves him as well.

I remember his kindergarten teacher last year telling me that she finally had to set up a rotation system during "circle time" so that enough kids got the chance to sit by him.  Too many arguments were erupting at story time.

This year, yet again, we have a brand new location, brand new school, brand new teacher, brand new friends, same old problem: too many kids want to be his best friend.

This was humorously pointed out at his birthday party last weekend.

I know it is not always done to open presents during the birthday party, but Ben insisted this be part of the "schedule" of his party, so the shirtless and soggy boys (shirtless and soggy from the fairly intense water fight they had) all crowded as close to Ben as possible, each shoving their presents in his face, encouraging him to "Open mine first, Ben!  You're going to LOVE it!"

The gifts were all perfect; just what a 7-year old boy dreams of: transformers, legos, light sabers, and spy gear.  He was quite pleased with the loot.

What really got to Matt and me though was one of the cards.  It read

"Dear Ben,
Happy Birthday
Your third friend
Jake"

When we saw that card, Matt and I just laughed.  I asked Jake what "third friend" meant and he clearly explained that although Mitchell is his "first best friend" and Luke is his "second best friend," he proudly boasted possessing the title of "third best friend!"

At this point, the other boys chimed in with their placings:

"Yeah!  I'm his 5th best friend!"

"I'm his 4th!"

"No you're not, I am!"

Clearly, they have all sorted this out before and most of them have no problem with their standings.  Each are pretty happy just to be in there somewhere.

The Season of Giving

Mitchell loves his school friends. He finally prefers some of them to adults.

Lately, he has been excited about giving them special gifts. He has quite a bit of time after Jack has gone to bed and before Ben gets home to plan who gets what and what he will give each day. Most times, he just draws them a picture, puts their name on it, folds it up tightly, puts it in an envelop (which also needs their name on it), and carries it to the park, where all his friends are also waiting for their older siblings to get out of school. Last week, he even handed out some of my extra Christmas cards.

Sometimes though, he is in a more generous mood and he digs through his multiple treasure boxes, looking for something that is special enough to be a gift, but not so special that he can't part with it. Sometimes, not wanting to part with a jewel or sharp stick or old belt buckle, he makes a treasure out of something normally not considered one.

Today, one friend gets a tongue depressor, another gets a rock. Merry Christmas, best friends! You can cross "rock" off your Christmas list!

To be fair to my thoughtful boy, he did write their names on their gifts. He also drew a knife on the tongue depressor and a picture of himself and his friend on the smooth rock. Judging by these same friends' reactions to the earlier pictures, I think they're gonna like these...

Farewell To Football, Late Nights, and Port-a-potties!

Ben's last football game was last weekend. It's funny; it sorta snuck up on him. When I told him about a month ago that we were almost done with football for this year, he said, "What? Why is it over? We don't just keep playing all year long?"

Oh man... as much as I loved having him play, I can't imagine doing this all year long! Ben and I jumped into this with both feet, not quite expecting so many hours spent at practice every week. Ben was great though, and I dealt with it. He loved it. What a great outlet for him to play rough and play like a big boy should!

As proud as I am of Ben and all the progress he made, I have to give Mitchell and Jack some props too. Every hour Ben spent at practice, the other two boys spent there with him. They ate many dinners on the ground and got more bug bites than I could count. They dug giant holes in the dirt and filled their socks with sand to use as sand bombs. I wish I had a way to measure how much dirt we took home from that park. Mitchell learned the hard way that when you refuse to use the clean, flushable toilet at home, you are forced to use the "stinky toilet with no flusher" while trying to hold your breath, not look into the deep hole, and not touch anything all at the same time. They both made friends and ate a lot of ice cream from the ever-present ice cream truck. Way to be so adaptable and be there for your big brother, little guys!

A Few New Best Friends

Why I ever worry about my kids making friends is a question I don't have the answer for. Every time we move, I loose sleep over it. Every time school starts up again, I send up constant little prayers for them while they are gone. Every time they are in a position where they have to start over again, I worry, yet my unease is unnecessary. They are old pros.

Ben has already got his little "gang" at school and has already been to many of their houses to play. I love to watch him run around with them after school, just enjoying his life and experiencing something so special to him that is not dependent on his mom. I love to stand back and just watch him play.

Jack, although full of attitude that may one day hinder him in this area, charms people everywhere we go. Kids love him, moms love him, old people love him, even the occasional dad will get sucked in! His short little sentences and charming displays of politeness at just the right time almost make me think he knows exactly what he is doing when he works a room (or a playground.)

Mitchell, my most complicated boy, is making quite a few new friends as well. Although there are three or four little boys at school that are his favorites, they don't even make his Top 3 list. Those spots are reserved for adults: two moms and a neighbor. This morning, on the way to school, I asked him who he was going to play with today. He said, "Oh, I don't know. Probably some kids. But do you know who my best friends are? Stephani, Susan, and Kevin!"

Stephani is a mom of a couple boys who are not in either of my boys' classes but who we see at the school playground every day. Susan is the mom of one of Ben's football teammates. Kevin is our neighbor.

For some reason, Mitchell is most himself around adults - especially adults who really seem to get him and know all the right things to ask and say. He would follow Kevin around all day if I let him and they do all sorts of little projects and discuss all manner of important things.

We spend quite a bit of time every week at football practice and I don't know what I would have done with Mitchell had we not met Susan. They treasure hunt together and talk about football and tell jokes.

He is so fond of Stephani that she came up to me at the park last week saying, "Did you know Mitchell just invited me over for a play date at your house today?" I asked him about it and he said, "Well, Ben gets to have his best friends over and I really really want to show her all my treasures! Please can she come home with us??"

Oh Mitchell. You are the spice of life...

Tea and Ice Cream

Mitchell starts school a week later than Ben is beginning to get antsy at home now without his older brother. He keeps asking when his school starts and if his classroom is bigger than Ben's and if his teacher is cooler than Ben's and does he get to go all day too. He keeps Ben up at night discussing his plans for making friends and what he will do on the playground, but, most importantly, he talks about ice cream and tea parties.

Where did he get the idea there will be ice cream and tea at school this year? About a week ago, he received his very own piece of mail inviting him to an ice cream social in a nearby park to meet some kids and families from his school. His teacher will also be there and personally invited him! This letter has joined other precious items he is keeping in his backpack to take to school with him next week. When it isn't in his backpack, he carries it around "reading" it to us all over an over again and asking if we want to come with him to eat ice cream and make friends.

There is also a day next week at school where I have been invited to stay after drop off to have tea and coffee with the other moms. These are two separate events, but they are one and the same in Mitchell's mind. No amount of explaining on my part can convince him that we are not having an ice cream and tea party at the same time. He hears me but clearly isn't listening. He keeps asking me which I like better: ice cream or tea. "Which are you going to choose, mom?"

I love how excited he is getting. I love that he and Ben stay up at night talking about school and the best ways to make friends. I even overheard them talking about sharing their friends with each other the way they share all their toys. Just a few more days, Mitchell, and you too can put on your backpack every morning and explore life away from your mother! I love a chance to miss you!

I Need Some Rules!

The last couple weeks have really pointed out to me how rule-oriented Ben is. He really finds comfort and freedom in a certain amount of structure.

He has jumped into Pop Warner football with both feet. He has had practice every weeknight and a couple weekend days from 6-8 every evening. He was a little lost at first, especially the first week when he was practicing with all the big boys, but now that his team has been formed and he is familiar with the coaches and drills and kids, he is having fun. He knows where to go and what to do, even if he is still a little fuzzy on the exact rules of the game (I feel the same way about the rules of football, to be honest.)

Now that he is comfortable at practice, I have been encouraging him to play with his team-mates before and after practice as they run around chasing each other, tackling each other, and playing their own crazy game of football. At first, he didn't know anyone so he was a little hesitant because of that. I can understand that. But now that it has been a couple weeks, he no longer has that as an excuse, so I wouldn't take that excuse from him this evening. I gave him a smile and a shove and a word of encouragement and he walked over to the group of boys like a man walking to his death.

When he got to the boys, he had no idea what to do. They were clearly not playing by any rules, just goofing around, so Ben didn't know his place. As they ran off chasing the boy with the ball, Ben stayed frozen to the spot, looking around worried, like he had no idea what was expected of him.

As I battled my feelings of protectiveness for my lost little boy and annoyance at him for not jumping in and figuring it out as he went, I realized that his love of structure and rules works out perfectly for practice and drilling. He is always where he needs to be doing what he is told; never goofing around; never out of line. He never has to run extra laps like so many of the other boys constantly do because they aren't paying attention.

His need for rules doesn't quite help him out though when there are no rules. When no one is in charge and no one has told him the rules of the game, he is totally lost. I could just see him standing there waiting for one of the boys to say, "Ben, chase me! Come get me!" But no one knew he needed that, so he stood there waiting for the coach to show up.

I don't know what to do to encourage him in this area, as I was exactly the same way as a child (and still pretty much am.) I have never been able to just "jump in" to a group and act like I know what I'm doing either. I need someone to tell me exactly what my part is and how to do it, then I'm good to go. I don't want Ben to be an outsider though. I love his focus during practice but want him to let loose at the appropriate time.

Any suggestions how to get him to move out of his comfort zone here? Everything I say seems to just upset him and I don't want to enforce his hesitancy by making too big a deal out of it. Should I just let him sit by me until practice starts, or should I find a way to get him to play with the other boys?

Staying Connected

As my newest relocation is quickly approaching, I am thinking a lot about friends and loosing contact with them over time, as is inevitable with most friendships in the end. I have recently realized, however, that over this last winter, I hardly actually saw in person any of them anyways! With brutal weather, school schedules, sick kids, and other plans, socially hanging out with people the way I could when Ben was a baby was just not a possibility.

It is becoming increasingly clear to me that eventually, I will just get blog updates every few days from everyone I know, telling me all about daily life, funny stories, disgusting messes, crazy kids, loving husbands...

When else have moms gotten to talk so much without interruption? I tell you, if all you blogging moms are anything like me, your husband can't truly pay attention to you when you are answering his question of "How was your day?" because you loose him in the first, mundane sentence; but write it down on your blog and he will laugh his you-know-what off!

Nothing replaces getting together at the park with your kids or getting a cup of coffee together. Knowing a friend is near by and would be there for you in person should you need them is irreplaceable. A computer is not a friend and anyone who invests all their energy into their FB or blogosphere (did I just make that word up or is it a real word?) relationships is not doing the work required of them as a relational human being. It is certainly not a substitute.

But after I have spent most of my energy out there being "the new girl" yet again and feeling frustrated and annoyed at beginning more relationships yet again (which does not come naturally to me!), and finding a social life for myself and my whole family, I will open my computer to the comfort of reading your blogs and keeping up so easily with your lives. I will miss you, but I'll be watching you!

That's MY Baby!

Now that the weather is warming up, I no longer have to torture Jack by forcing him to remain strapped into his stroller, all swaddled up in a fleece-lined sack, hat down over ears (and usually eyes too because he's so wiggly) socks pulled on up to his elbows under his jacket (to keep them on because gloves are WAY to easy to continually pull off), struggling wildly to escape.

He has absolutely NO patience for riding or sitting in a stroller. My other boys jump at the chance to sit in it or be pushed around in it and always have, but Jack has other things on his mind.

In the mornings, as we wait around outside the school for the doors to open, Jack does his thing. I set his feet on the ground and he is off running! Usually, there is a dog or two there, which is a blessing for me because it at least keeps him in one spot, even if it is on top of or underneath a dog. That is better than running away into the street or over to the playground for an early morning play session. Every parent knows him by name and he has to "talk" to each of them and show off his shoes or whatever he might have in his hands.

He makes the rounds, searching kids and adults alike for anything that might have liquid in it. Next to dogs, shoes, and my recycling bins, water bottles are his most favorite thing!

The preschool kids love him too. I see him sort of as their mascot. Most kids come with their own younger sibling in tow, but I have never seen any of them pay an ounce of attention to them. They follow Jack around, trying to pick him up (although he weighs as much as some of them, I'm sure), pinching his cheeks, making silly faces, running to and fro with him, pointing out dogs to him, and generally crowding him until he falls over.

How does Mitchell respond to this? Sometimes he ignores it. Sometimes he participates. Sometimes he gets jealous and tells them all, "Hey, this is MY baby!" He is such a grump in the morning though that I allow Jack to be Mr. Social to show Mitchell how much fun he can have if he will just get out of the stroller and begin his day already.

When the doors finally open, Jack is one of the first to run inside (if I am busy chatting and he can sneak past the teacher, that is.) Once, I found him neatly lined up inside with the kids, ready to walk to the classroom with them. The kids thought they were going to smuggle him in.

I love his little personality and how friendly and unafraid he is. My goal is to keep him safe, yet attempt to leave his fearless friendliness in tact as he gets older.