Laying Down The Law

Do you have seasons in yours and your families lives where things get... well, a bit more relaxed and even lazy? My boys are fairly well-disciplined and quite well behaved in most cases. Matt and I both try hard to teach them proper behavior and attitudes, but sometimes, I find our hard work slipping away from us. It happens so slowly that I don't even notice it until I suddenly feel like Ben is questioning my every request and Mitchell is "forgetting" all the rules.

The only thing I can think of to explain this phenominon is that I get lazy. I forget that training and teaching is a daily and constant and ongoing process. I can't teach them something, make sure they have it down, then forget about it. I have tried that (unintentionally, of course) and they will and do forget.

The selfish and tired part of me wants to not take anything too seriously and fall back on the fact that my kids are great and we have no real problems with their behavior. Things run pretty smoothly around here amidst the chaos. It is that attitude though, that creates a snowball effect of bad behavior.

Just yesterday, I finally realized what I have allowed to happen and decided to lay down the law. Poor Mitchell had no idea what was coming to him! I made my decisions as to what was important, spelled out the expectations, even gave fair warning, then took no prisoners when it came to enforcing!

Before you feel too sorry for the boys though, let me tell you what Mitchell said to me at night as I tucked him in: "I sure got in lotsa trouble today! I better stop being such a rascal! I won't play with the plugs and outlets anymore!" Ben, always listening in, chimed in, "Yeah, and I better not crash my scooter into the walls anymore!"

For Mitchell, my little rule breaker, it is about being a better listener and realizing consequences. For Ben, my little rule maker, it is all about attitude. For all of us, it is about consistency and not letting things slide. It's a lot easier on all of us that way.

They get it. The problem isn't with them. It is with lazy and too-comfortable mom. Watch out, boys! Mom is in "sheriff mode!"

Not Your Usual Chore

Occasionally, we have to mix up our reward system with the boys; we change the reward, we change the chores or behaviors to be rewarded, that sort of thing.  Doing one system for too long looses its effectiveness for us.  It gets old and ignored and I, more than the rest of them, loose interest and momentum.  

A good change is needed every once in a while.  

I just discovered a new system that I love, and have spent part of my afternoon deciding what behaviors and chores and actions I want to put on them this time around.  I had my top 5 or 6 picked out before I asked Matt for his input.  He thought about it for a second or two and said, "Exercise for sure!"  Really?  You think we need to reward them for exercising?  Their whole day is exercising of some sort!  They never sit still!  They run to the bathroom, they jump on the couch cushions!  The do flips onto their giant beanbag chair and try to roll it over each other before jumping on top!  They sit on and race their big Tonkas up and down the hallways, narrowly escaping the certain injury that would result if they were a couple inches off and rolled right down the stairs!  They tromp in the snow, choosing the "high snow" over the sidewalks on the way to school.  

When I reminded Matt of this, he rolled his eyes and said, "No, real exercise!  Not playing!"  So, in an attempt to actually take his opinions seriously, I have added "exercise" as a category to be rewarded in my kids.  Hey, who says behavior charts can't have some fun too?  It's time to resurrect The Exercise Game, I think!

They have already earned their stars for exercise today, by the way.  I took them out to play in the softly falling snow and made them pull each other up and down the soccer field in the sled.  They had a fabulous time pulling and dumping each other, crashing into things and getting tangled in the rope.  Ben reminded me that this just had to be exercise because he was so sweaty and because it is just like Daddy when he pulls them around on his weight sled!  Yes, Matt has a weight sled that he pulls children around on the soccer field, getting plenty of evil eyes from mothers and nannies.  I'm not sure what they take exception to more, the fact that he is putting children on his sled and pulling them quite fast, or the fact that he is wearing spandex from head to toe...

Oh, Be Careful Little Mouth What You Say

I have heard that there are people out there who do not care what others think or say about them.  I have heard people say that they are unaffected by unkind words or critical comments or sarcastic remarks.  Do you actually exist, oh immune ones?  Perhaps.  If I had to guess, I'd say there are those who are less affected, but none that are 100% immune to  negative attention.

With that thought in mind, I have been giving some thought to how I talk to not only other adults, but even more so to my children.  Think about it: how do you feel after a rude gesture from a fellow motorist, a sarcastic comment from a spouse or friend that hit you just in the right spot at the wrong time, an insensitive remark from someone?  Maybe you are one of those whose back it rolls right off of.  I wish I was you (although if that is you, I am going to make a wild guess you struggle with sensitivity in other areas where you need it!)  I am fairly thick-skinned and resilient, but I struggle with handling this sort of thing with forgiveness and grace.  Certain interactions with others stick with me for longer than I care to hold on to them, infecting my thoughts and mood for a while.  

A recent experience with this got me thinking about how I speak to my kids.  Now I realize that I am the parent and they are the children and it isn't quite the same rules as between adults.  I am allowed, and even required, to speak to them with a bit more authority and sternness at times than I should speak to my friends, but do I ever stop to think how my words and looks and attitudes are making them feel?  Yes, they can do a good job ignoring (or, at least, pretending to) a grumpy or frustrated mommy's sarcastic or too loud remarks and demands, but are they really immune to them?  I doubt it.  We, as the parents of young children, are the most important people and influences in our children's lives.  Remember that!  Oh, be careful little [mommy] what you say!  Handle your child's feelings with care and don't let your frustrations or anger in life cloud your judgement and dull your ability to filter your speech and actions toward them!  I sometimes catch myself in the act of treating one of my boys unfairly or speaking to them in a way no adult would ever let me get away with.  How sad.  I vow to be more vigilant with myself and keep a tighter reign on my tongue, and to attempt to find the "teachable moment" in each situation where correction or sternness is required, rather than resorting to flippant sarcasm or immediate annoyance and negativity!